| Well this looks like it has quite a bit of potential, even though this type of thing has been done quite a few times. The wording doesn't exactly stand out or pop out as something a professional author would use, per say, and it looks a bit childish, but getting past that the story could easily override that annoyance I see. This particular piece you've chosen to share with us is too short to criticize on when it comes to the story, so I can't say I have much to say on that except perhaps give you ideas as to what should or could happen next. | 
