The Definition of Love from an Unrequited Viewpoint

[Bunneh]

The Definition of Love from an Unrequited Viewpoint

Oh, to never fall in love!
To never hold you near
To never gaze upon a dove
With nothing left to fear

To never want to pull in close
The one you’ll never keep
Never you’ll be my only dose,
To sink into the deep.

And not just closer physically
But rather in our souls
To glance upon me quizzically,
Encourage all my goals

To walk along the wooded path
In dark Parisian lanes
To share a quiet, private laugh
Picnic on country plains

Then sail on down to sunny Rome
And walk Venetian square
To gaze on holy papal dome
If only we were there

To never sit in autumn air
In drifting clouds of smoke
And wish only this thing so rare
Was something but a yoke

All this you certainly won’t feel
And countless more unsaid
You won’t regret a single reel
Your tears will go unshed

But I now walk a different path
Trapped in this horrid glove
I sit in a miserable wrath
And wish I weren’t in love

[Hodizzle]

I liked the ending. It was unexpected, but a good change, nd I liked the traveling aspect of it; that was a nice touch. Overall, I'll say I don't like this one as much as many of your others. I'm not really sure why.

[Bunneh]

When writing this one, I found that I slipped into the same meter as my last poem, which I didn't intend to do. Beyond that, it's a lot more stream-of-consciousness than most of what I write; this was one where I just needed to vent, and so sat down and started typing. I might go back and rewrite it, maybe in sonnet form or something. I'm trying to really experiment with other meters. But yeah, looking back, it feels like a lot more emotional venting than my other poems (mostly because it is). Thanks for the critique. :3

[Pandox]

When reading this,
it sounded like everything was forced.

Like the whole thing was designed to sound pretty.

[Lifeandlifeonly]

For someone who is always making an effort to point out how cliche other peoples poems are..........you're pretty cliche yourself!

However, I did like this these lines "You won’t regret a single reel
Your tears will go unshed"

[Bunneh]

Originally Posted by Lifeandlifeonly

For someone who is always making an effort to point out how cliche other peoples poems are..........you're pretty cliche yourself!

The cliche was intentional; I was attempting to point out the cliches of "traditional" love, and thus point out things that the target of the poem would never experience. Though I suppose I could have made it more clear that it was a satire.

[Arachnid]

I really like it because it definitely describes how I feel at the moment.

[Fewmitz]

I wish I could write poetry that well.

Seriously. Could be that whole "WELL IT CONNECTS TO THIS AUDIENCE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH" but whatever. Good shit.

Oh yeah, critique: You have a superfluous comma.

[Bunneh]

Which one? I suck at commas.

[Fewmitz]

Originally Posted by Fortunato

To never sit, in autumn air

That one. Should either be taken out or paired with another one in that verse. Considering the context, preferably the former.