The Mouth of The Mourner

[Husky]

Basically a poem that involves a vampire, thoughtless caring, and hidden affection.


I finished the basic storyline, but I'll be sure to add more to it after it's been critiqued.



I personally love the last two lines that I wrote. It's something about the alliteration. If you don't get the end, read through it. I know there are some things I need to clarify, which I'll get to eventually.





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That blinding light is my only true enemy.
The heat and the rays are one single monosemy.
Though when the sun sets, right under that landscape,
I couldn't wait for that darkness to undrape.

Creeping into the secnery I sniff a being somewhere near.
All I can think about is it's blood- So tangy, so clear.
While I follow my keen sense of smell, I see a pretty face,
For just a second there, I sensationalize a feeling I cannot chase.

I watched from the corner, I saw the sadness in her eyes.
As I saw my own self sitting there… a part of me dies.
That one mistake in life is letting it all go,
I want to come out and be her friend, not her foe.

My courage uplifts me to come out and share
Why she should be thinking it over and why she should care.
She seemed startled and cautious, but not the least bit scared.
My hidden canines were pushed into my bottom lip, but the pain I bared.

She had the first word, asking who I was and why I was there.
I told her it wasn’t important, as my bottom lip’s skin started to tear.
The anger of her tears filled my body and I wanted to shout
That anger transformed into a seemingly steady little pout.

I had to get through to her that her choice was not right.
She was talking to a stranger about suicide yet did not feel uptight.
She must’ve gotten tired of me, or just plain annoyed.
Though seemingly angry, she was the one I convoyed.

Her emotions seemed mixed, but soon they became clear,
A curved smile and rested arms looked enticingly sincere.
As she turned her petite head and rounded the corner
Two sharp canines were seen in the mouth of the mourner.

[Unregenerate Passion]

I liked it, there was only one problem a typo: But when the sun set, right under that horizon, it should be sets but other then that great job

[Husky]

Originally Posted by Co1212upt

I liked it, there was only one problem a typo: But when the sun set, right under that horizon, it should be sets but other then that great job

Ahha. Probably screwed that up when I was changing that line. Thanks.

[FireWrath]

As always, I'm going to start with the smaller things, and work my way up, so it doesn't look like I'm straight out attacking, plus you'll have something to fix if you don't want to go for the bigger ones. With that said, there are a few things that threw me off, the first one was that the first couplet doesn't rhyme (enemy and boundary), and same with horizon and corazon. In the first line of the second stanza you're talking about a single being, yet in the second line it becomes plural (sniff a being somewhere/all I can think about is their blood), I would probably change that to either its blood, or her blood. Simple things like that appear in quite a few places, which distracts me from the poem itself.

The rest is somewhat ok, I mean the story is interesting, but the poem doesn't really flow like it should. Perhaps it's just me, but I couldn't find an actual beat to it. I'm used to reading poetry that goes something like ta-ta-ta ta-ta-ta, and is consistent with it, but your poem changes from line to line. One way you could fix that is by having each line roughly the same length, and it'll flow much better.

I'm off to work right now, but I'll continue when I get back.

[Mim3]

I realy liked this peom...
Your good.

[Husky]

Originally Posted by FireWrath

As always, I'm going to start with the smaller things, and work my way up, so it doesn't look like I'm straight out attacking, plus you'll have something to fix if you don't want to go for the bigger ones. With that said, there are a few things that threw me off, the first one was that the first couplet doesn't rhyme (enemy and boundary), and same with horizon and corazon. In the first line of the second stanza you're talking about a single being, yet in the second line it becomes plural (sniff a being somewhere/all I can think about is their blood), I would probably change that to either its blood, or her blood. Simple things like that appear in quite a few places, which distracts me from the poem itself.

The rest is somewhat ok, I mean the story is interesting, but the poem doesn't really flow like it should. Perhaps it's just me, but I couldn't find an actual beat to it. I'm used to reading poetry that goes something like ta-ta-ta ta-ta-ta, and is consistent with it, but your poem changes from line to line. One way you could fix that is by having each line roughly the same length, and it'll flow much better.

I'm off to work right now, but I'll continue when I get back.

I changed what you suggested, thanks ^^.

As for the rhythm, I can see what you mean. I was reading it in my own way that sounded alright, but it still wasn't flowing too great. I'm working on it now.

Originally Posted by Mim3

I realy liked this peom...
Your good.

=D, Thanks.