New Poem;; Liar

Colouristic · 07-19-2008, 04:18 AM

Please just hold me tightly
I don't care if I can breathe
All I need is you against me
Promise never ever leave

But that was wishfull thinking
You left and my soul died
You promised you would love me
I suppose that you just lied.

~~*FireWrath*~~ · 07-19-2008, 09:42 PM

This poem is very short and basic, which is fine, except it doesn't give off much of a feeling. It feels like you're just braking complete thoughts for somebody young that doesn't understand you. There's no beat to, and it has rhythm. Poor vocabulary and word choice don't bring out the finer things in the poem, either. I do; however, like the fact that you stuck with the same length for the majority of your couplets.

RelativelyCool, I really hope Bunneh attacks you

b-edit:
Lawl. I did. xD

**Hodizzle** · 07-20-2008, 11:00 AM

Your poem lacks variety. The similar lengths of the lines are good though the line "Promise never ever leave" doesn't work. "Promise to never ever leave" would work better, but it's still meh. "You left and my soul died" could use a comma after "left." The word "But" would work well before "I suppose that you just lied." That being said, these are just superficial fixes. The poem could use a revamping in general. Variety in word usage is my main suggestion.

mysoace · 08-08-2008, 01:55 PM

I Liked It, Though. I Thought It Was Great.

(Quite Like A hawthorne Heights Song)

thecheckt · 08-13-2008, 11:17 AM

Cool poem bro.

Sero · 08-13-2008, 12:03 PM

didn't need this poem to tell me that.

Gumtr33 · 08-14-2008, 01:27 AM

I'd like to agree that the line "Promise never ever leave" is more than awkward. Its wording isn't to preserve any particular meter; it's just... it doesn't make much sense.

I'd ultimately love to see you flesh this work out more; I think that you have a really good basis.

Pandox · 08-14-2008, 09:36 AM

I'm not a writing-guru... But when I read this,
It didn't seem like I was reading poetry?
It felt like I was reading a random MySpace bulletin.

Try working on the length and making it more fluid?

I'd like to see your other works
^_~

Lifeandlifeonly · 08-14-2008, 10:13 AM

For the most part I like it, it's short and sweet. Yet, the one line everyone mentioned could use some work. And the ending seemed kind of flat to me. I hope that didn't sound mean? Many of my poems have endings that don't meet my full expectations! =p