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04-11-2008, 08:02 PM
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#1 (permalink)
| | Banned
Junkas is offline
Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New Jersey Age: 13 Posts: 953 Rep Power: 0 | Not finished.
[this needs to be finished] You kicked me around
threw me on the ground
leaving me on the floor
only to come back later
and throw me out the door
[needs finishing]
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04-11-2008, 08:03 PM
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#2 (permalink)
| | is waiting.
Husky is offline
Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Southern California Posts: 2,423 Rep Power: 8 | Pretty good, but it could be a lot better to. Just elaborate some words, finish it, and it could be great.
Sounds kind of sad too.
__________________  Hodizzle is my sexy GFXer <333. Imani is my sexy black eLover. ;D.
Neko is my super duper sexy eLover. Ruzzeh is my fucking sexy eLover.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruzzeh  K MY TURN
elbow: ruzzxeh
nose: ruzzeh
head: 453r87uyiwe234gtyhu :c | Awww Ruzz ;-;. | |
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04-11-2008, 08:04 PM
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#3 (permalink)
| | Banned
Junkas is offline
Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New Jersey Age: 13 Posts: 953 Rep Power: 0 | not even a real experience, I just thought about this watching Degrassi. | |
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04-11-2008, 08:05 PM
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#4 (permalink)
| | Nomhak Fan 0003
S0LAR ECLiPSE is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: The land of the Greek Gods. Age: 16 Posts: 2,118 Rep Power: 6 | LOL. LOLOLOLOLOL.
Win Max. Win.
What episode? ;;>>
__________________ 
SLICK RICK. says:
his infinitely hard and large ePenis has gone flaccid. | |
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04-11-2008, 08:09 PM
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#5 (permalink)
| | Banned
FireWrath is offline
Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,217 Rep Power: 0 | It tends to come out better if it's our actual emotions, rather than something you've seen. Again, not a fan of this style, but seemings this has potential. I don't like how you broke up the rhyme patterns there, but I suppose if you have more stanzas it could work. Be sure to not change the tone, which is a mistake I've seen too often at school due to a short break between writing periods. | |
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04-11-2008, 08:15 PM
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#6 (permalink)
| | Banned
Junkas is offline
Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New Jersey Age: 13 Posts: 953 Rep Power: 0 | Firewrath, I think you're being a bit too harsh with your critiques. Do you think you could soften it up a little bit if you post in my threads again? Otherwise, maybe you could try to avoid them altogether? | |
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04-18-2008, 08:18 PM
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#7 (permalink)
| | Full Member
skittlesgreycat is offline
Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 25 Rep Power: 2 | what you have there is a start to something... It is pretty high concept, I suggest more detail...I am not too sure about the end rhyme, maybe slant it more...like double or even triple syllables on one line, and only one syllable on the other. But I like the idea here, it is the start of something intensely poetic. | |
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