Not living another day

[Theebomb1080]

It was fast and eh. I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest.

Suddenly something has happened to me
Something I thought never would in this eternity
Suddenly, I could no longer rest
I was surely and completely depressed
What you said made me die
What you said made me cry
Something I'll never be able to see
Is why you would do this to me
All the things you once said
Did they all whither away and become dead
You were someone I could love and adore
From you, I couldn't have asked for anymore
But you ripped it all away
I don't care to live another day

[Xephia]

line one makes no sense. Also, there is NO rhythm. Try giving each line an equal, or nearly equal, amount of syllables. The second half isn't so bad. I like the last three lines.

Use a thesaurus.

[Theebomb1080]

Originally Posted by Xephia

line one makes no sense. Also, there is NO rhythm. Try giving each line an equal, or nearly equal, amount of syllables. The second half isn't so bad. I like the last three lines.

Use a thesaurus.

Thank you for the constructive criticism. To be honest it's my second poem ever. I don't know what to do though. Help?

[Fortunato]

Personally, it sounds more like a rap song than a poem. I mean, the only way I can imagine this out loud - given the huge changes in line length, the fairly simplistic rhyming pattern, etc. - is when being performed by an iced out black guy on MTV.

Like Xephia said, you need to work on rhythm. I'd offer more detailed criticism, but I really don't see much worth salvaging in this poem. There is virtually no use of figurative devices or imagery; the rhyme scheme is simplistic and repetitive; and the content itself has been done to death. Start over, but think of poetic conventions this time. There's a vast difference between making a couple lines rhyme and writing a poem.

[Theebomb1080]

Thanks bunneh. But eh, there's no point in anything.

[Husky]

Originally Posted by Bunneh

Personally, it sounds more like a rap song than a poem. I mean, the only way I can imagine this out loud - given the huge changes in line length, the fairly simplistic rhyming pattern, etc. - is when being performed by an iced out black guy on MTV.

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read the poem =O.

On another note I would have to go along with what Bunneh and Xephia.

[Theebomb1080]

Oh well, it sucked. Who cares life sucks too.

[Husky]

It doesn't suck per say. It was alright, but could use a lot of improvement, most of which has been stated.

[Theebomb1080]

Okay whatever. I suck though. So there's no point in me doing anything. Everything is a waste of time and will fuck you over in the end.

[Husky]

If you enjoy writing, then you won't care what we say.