Only Time Will Tell

[Inimicable]

I added another stanza, please be critical. (It's stanza #6)

Also, I haven't made any grammar, just because the poem is nothing seriously, and it's just for fun. If I ever am going to make it more public (Not likely) then I'll change it xD.

[FireWrath]

Again, I would improve on the way it sounds because it still sounds like you're talking. Usually poems flow together nicely, but yours does not. The wording is nice, and I like how you show the feeling of this person, but you could have taken away some words while keeping the same feeling. I would change the last line to, "For this first time I cried in happiness" because it makes it shorter, but the meaning is still there. On that same note, it seems like the character is happy, which is why he/she is crying, but the wording says that he/she is sad and is crying because he/she wants things to get better, which is why I changed the "for" to "in."

[Inimicable]

You always know what to say.

I'll go work on that now.

[FireWrath]

Sounds good. If you add anything on that you'd like me to critic, feel free to ask

[Inimicable]

Well I mean, anything that you think needs work, just say it. I won't bitch about it like some other people xD. I know your not saying it to be offensive, so I take it in and use it.

[FireWrath]

It still feels like there's something missing between stanzas four and five. I would explain why the song is so touching, be it the words or the way the woman looked in the light appearing like an angle, or because she was concerned with the character, or even acting as a mother figure to the kid, or something along those lines. After doing that, the fifth (will become sixth) stanza will put more emphasis to it, and there won't be that weird and unclear moment, where when it's read the question, "how did a stupid song change this idiot's whole life" come up.

[Inimicable]

I added another stanza. It has quotes of what she might have been saying.

[FireWrath]

Actually that's rather good. The only thing that struck me that I thought was weird was the first line because who listens to a song just to find a flaw in it? That just makes me question the entire thing each time I read it, but the very next line saves it, and makes it still readable and gives off a warm vibe. Other than that very weird sounding first line, I don't think there's anything to fix, to be honest with you. You've done a good job there.

If you still want to work on the poem; however, I would start to add on to the story itself now, be it the new path chosen for a better life, or take a leap through a couple of years, and the character can say how much he/she has advanced through life and everything is better. Another possibility for the poem is because of the dark and depressing beginning, what you could do is return to that style and say how much life suck now even without all the drugs and living life as a nice person.

That's the only thing I can find now, I mean it'll always have flaws and there's no such thing as a perfect poem, but I think it can stand on its own now, and doesn't need any insertions to clarify anything, at least none that I see at the moment. I will reread the poem in a day or two to see if I can find anything else if you haven't added to it by then. Good job, I'm impressed

[Inimicable]

Yeah, for the first line I guess I could make it so that he was just listening to the song, and he didn't noticed a flaw. Rather than just listen for a flaw.

Now that sounds amazing, but like I have said before, I'm too much of a stubborn lazy ass to work on it xD.

Thanks for your help man.

[pronstar]

Despite my thoughts about why you would be thinking about marriage let alone knives or how you could fuck up your life at the age of 14 when you have 70 more years to add on to it, it was a good start if you are just looking at the word choice and flow as opposed to the content.

Your ABAB was on and you had good meter and tempo so if I was not put off by this sort of 'poetry' I'd say job well done. Keep writing.