Only Time Will Tell

[Husky]

I'm addicted to the sight of a sharpened knife,
And I can't seem to control my fucked up life,
Whether it be discomfort, stress, or even happiness,
It all seems to end in this world of selfishness.

I came straight out of my mother's womb,
I dug her grave at nine and egged her tomb,
My Father still loved me, as Fathers do,
But his grave was dug, of course for him too.

I was on my own at the age of eleven,
Went on through life, without the belief of Heaven,
Had no thought about it, just thought it was shit,
So my life still led along, in that never ending pit.

My sweet sixteen was held in a trailer park,
Everything was musk, the sky blackened and dark,
I got a few packs of cigarettes, some whiskey and a bong,
This elderly lady had started singing a song.

I listened to the song, there was no sign of a flaw,
Everything was perfect, I just stood there in awe.
"Fall seven times, stand up eight,"
"You've bent your time-line, now make it straight."

She sang with such clarity, such passion, such pride,
I thought of my dream life, my wanted love and beautiful bride,
I thought of the challenges that came at my way,
I knew I would start over..... I started to pray.

While I prayed I listened to her creative lyrics,
Her sincere words had meaning, for they were not gimmicks.
The chorus came in beautifully, a bystander sat up and whistled,
For this first time I cried in happiness, slowly my dozen tears trickled.

When I woke the next morning, and saw all my gifts,
I smashed them into pieces, little tobacco particles airlift,
When everything was great, a man had come behind,
Had stabbed my back, I knew I was confined.

I'd payed the price, but luckily survived,
I remembered what I wanted, I knew I would strive,
I got out of the hospital and ran to the Church,
I didn't have to do anything, God led my search.

When I sat there thinking of all the time gone,
I felt like an idiot, I knew drugs were finally done,
I sat there loving what gift was all mine,
My body, my spirit, of all things divine.

----------------------------------------------------


Please, tell me what I can do to make it better. I kind of went through it quickly, but correct me otherwise.

[FireWrath]

Surprisingly, that was rather good. It sounds a bit more like you're just randomly talking and just happened to have the AABB rhyme scheme happening, also, I've noticed a bit of grammatical errors as well. With those things out of the way, I would say you did a good job. Perhaps breaking the entire stanza into two or three sentences rather than just one with a bunch of commas would give it a smoother feeling, for me at least. I would stick another stanza between the fifth and the sixth ones though because from my understanding the entire life has been nothing but drug abuse, and a single song changed that entirely, so I would explain the thoughts going through that person's head, and perhaps a bit of the song as well.

[Hale'iwa]

That's actually really good in my opinion, Solitary. I'm impressed!

[InSane]

that was really good. i liked it

[Husky]

Originally Posted by FireWrath

Surprisingly, that was rather good. It sounds a bit more like you're just randomly talking and just happened to have the AABB rhyme scheme happening, also, I've noticed a bit of grammatical errors as well. With those things out of the way, I would say you did a good job. Perhaps breaking the entire stanza into two or three sentences rather than just one with a bunch of commas would give it a smoother feeling, for me at least. I would stick another stanza between the fifth and the sixth ones though because from my understanding the entire life has been nothing but drug abuse, and a single song changed that entirely, so I would explain the thoughts going through that person's head, and perhaps a bit of the song as well.

Honestly, I had nothing planned out, and all I did was open up a page, and write. Yeah, there are quite a few grammatical errors in there, because I'm comma happy. I'm not sure if I'm really ever going to do anything with it, seeing it was just for fun. I will try to fix it up later because my parents are taking the computer away from me, just for 3 missing homework assignments. I can tell you it's defiantly not finished. I agree that it really doesn't make to much sense with a song changing a life. There needs to be more to it. Thanks for the advice very much, it helps a lot.

Originally Posted by Hale'iwa

That's actually really good in my opinion, Solitary. I'm impressed!

xD, Thanks Hale. You should write some things up.

Originally Posted by InSane

that was really good. i liked it

Thanks to you to, it means a lot to hear that from you guys =D.

[ASHTEHCOMMIE]

I'm comma happy too :P
looks pretty good though, flows nicely.

[Hale'iwa]

Originally Posted by (+-Emo-Husky-+)

xD, Thanks Hale. You should write some things up.

Aw, I don't really write poetry. D:

But if you ever want to read a paper where I can argue my point and make it seem interesting? I'm on that shit.

[Husky]

Originally Posted by ASHTEHCOMMIE

I'm comma happy too :P
looks pretty good though, flows nicely.

Thanks =). I don't write things like this with less than 100 commas =P.

Originally Posted by Hale'iwa

Aw, I don't really write poetry. D:

But if you ever want to read a paper where I can argue my point and make it seem interesting? I'm on that shit.

Anytime you want to, PM me.

[Hale'iwa]

Originally Posted by (+-Emo-Husky-+)

Thanks =). I don't write things like this with less than 100 commas =P.



Anytime you want to, PM me.

You never pm'd me asking for my msn name! I just didn't want to post it publicly.

[FireWrath]

Originally Posted by (+-Emo-Husky-+)

Honestly, I had nothing planned out, and all I did was open up a page, and write. Yeah, there are quite a few grammatical errors in there, because I'm comma happy. I'm not sure if I'm really ever going to do anything with it, seeing it was just for fun. I will try to fix it up later because my parents are taking the computer away from me, just for 3 missing homework assignments. I can tell you it's defiantly not finished. I agree that it really doesn't make to much sense with a song changing a life. There needs to be more to it. Thanks for the advice very much, it helps a lot.

Post (or at least edit) if/when you add on to it, and I'll give some more feed back on it. As far is it stands now, your comma addictions can stop if you reread your work. You'll notice that some of it is simply better left alone as a sentence, rather than a fragment of one, such as, "I'd payed the price, but luckily survived,
I remembered what I wanted, I knew I would strive,
I got out of the hospital and ran to the Church"
Could be broken up in four or five ways that I see, and needless to say, it's not the only stanza like that ;)