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Old 05-13-2008, 10:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Throwback.

I was browsing through some word files. And I found this story from 2005(6th Grade). I want to revise it and finish the story but I can't remember where I was going with it. Any suggestions?

That night, oh that night. I stood there waiting, anticipating. I didn’t want to proceed Why should I? The house was dreadful. The porch twisted and riveted around the Victorian Masterpiece. The windows were so vigilant as if they were going to open any moment to reveal anger, depression, and vengeance at the same time. They were like the eyes of a sweet innocent, woman whom had been beaten one too many times. And the worst thing of all, the door. Call me crazy but I can almost swear they had a visible set of razor sharp teeth. I was extremely scared, no I was petrified. Who had lived in, designed, and built this house? Those questions I would regret.
I have no parents. They were murdered when I graced the tender age of 12. It seemed like I had everything I wanted in life yet there was a feeling of dismay inside of me that churned and rippled like the ocean. Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing peaceful about this feeling. I figured that it must have just been the result of the stress and problems of my life, but it was so much more.
I crept up the steps slowly as if waiting for something. A feeling of recognition exploded and I felt like I had been here before. I felt welcomed, invited. Where am I? Have I been here before? And why do I feel this was? I felt like straight up hauling but I couldn’t. That would have given Andre the great satisfaction that he so desperately strived to achieve. He has got to be the most charismatic person that I have ever met in my life. Otherwise how the heck could he convince me to come to this house? I started to rage with anger at the thought of this. You know what I have my own will power, and I can make my own decisions, I don’t need anyone’s approval.
“Oh no,” I thought to myself, I am doing it again. I am becoming enraged. Anger management has always been a problem or me ever since childhood. Even when I communicated with peers and my family, I sometimes burst into a hot mess and become a raging fury. I needed to keep it real with myself, and see that I had a problem. But I decided to go get help. Right after that week was over. God I wish I had made it.
I stood there still hesitant. I pushed the door slightly and it swept the floor at a snail pace. A second seemed like forever and as I waited for the door to open I had the queasiest feeling. My heart had been slowly crawling up my throat, and my liver pressed against my bladder as my blood rushed. My stomach squeezed and slithered through my rib cage. I was on edge. Oh no! The door had creaked, it was wide open. Shadows lurked from behind and I dark figure beckoned for me to enter! What was I to do? I could only follow.


I finally was relaxed when she dropped the letter. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Eyes like pearls, smelled of sweet, sweet orchards, and the feeling was just over whelming. What in the world was she doing in this house, that is what baffled me the most.
“I can only do so much,” I said to myself. I cannot overwhelm myself. I need to stay calm. There is a valid conclusion in every scenario.
“I know this may all be very confusing to you,” she said, “But you will understand everything in a few hours. You will have four visitors tonight, each one more confusing than the last. And each time they come they will stay a little longer. You will need to decipher and put everything together, and if you don’t, let’s just say you won’t be in your happy place.”
With that she stood up and walked out of the door. What was going on? I was so confused and lethargic at that point that I flopped into the chair where she was sitting. Wait there was something sticking out of the side. It was a sheet of paper. And the paper read,

“Can you decipher the Code we bring, All the Answers are in your brain.”

What the flippin frog was wrong for me. I know I had imagined her. I had never seen her in my life! How did I know her? How could I have held the missing key?
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Old 05-16-2008, 06:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Looks pretty good for fifth grade.
But your use of commas in that confuses me.
Although commas are generally used for breaks in sentences, did you use them to emphasize words or something?
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