DarkenedSky

[DarkenedSky]

Username: DarkenedSky
Posts: 665 (666 for this app, lulz)
Reputation: 76 points, 5 rep power
Why you want to join: To be honest, I'm one that enjoys the artsy side of life; well written poetry, stories, music (both vocal and non-vocal) etc. On top of that, I also enjoy helping out GG where I can and from what I know.I also enjoy writing songs, poetry and stories, all at different times and have received international awards on my poetry (though that's because I only submit my poetry and nothing else...)
Writing Sample:

Poetry:
Me

"My life is an open book
For all to read
My life many questions unanswered
Many things unknown
For my existence is not that important but yet it is
For prophets have said I would be great in the Lord's work
And be a great leader
But I know not where to start
For my life means nothing to anybody
Just a toy waiting to be put down for another
But break me shall I not cry?
Prick me shall I not bleed?
Yes I have feelings to
I am ignored and unwanted by many people
Yet loved by the others
As my life unfolds I find things unraveling in my life
I find love, surprises, adventures, mystery, friends and enemies
Yet I feel like yin n' yen."

Writing (This is an intro to a story I was writing, it still needs a few touch ups though):
The time of age, a secret age where the hearts of many roamed freely yet were restricted to their own limitations.

Linhamn was the main center of attention within the time period as it held the largest land which was ruled by any government. Yet the people there, even with everything that would make the people of any other country break down and cry with happiness, seemed so lost within themselves that it was quite easy for them to turn against each other and viciously attack someone, or even something, should they even think something out of place. The people there were brash, yes, but they did think about things in depth from time to time if it pertained to serious matters and even more so if it pertained to the ones they grew fond to. Because of this, they were named, "The Warrior Nation".

Afar ways off from Linhamn, lay two other countries, each holding their own power and dominion over their land. Aheg, a country known for the simple beauties in life such as snow peaked mountains and long fields of flowers, was run by a gentle queen who has recently lost her husband because of age. This country was a peaceful one and people rarely ever thought about leaving unless it was on the terms of marriage in another country. This allowed people to not be all related but yet to know each other's family quite well. tourists from both opposing lands would come and enjoy the serenity of it all since the other countries barely thought to take over this one, the main factor being the destruction of such beautiful resources.

The final land, Nimieh, was a land which bore the thinkers of the current day and age. This meant that this was a more scientific country but that also meant that they were more on the lines of playing small gods. They used alchemy, spells and the like which were banished from the other two countries. This alone started up wars between Nimieh and Linhamn since no one thought such people should exist.

From each land though, a child was born and sent to train and life together with the other two lands in hope of one day bringing peace to the world. For the past three hundred years, this dream had never come true and always ended in disaster. This year, a young male from Linhamn named, Jemino would become the child that would seek company with Lina who was from Aheg and Sehiro from Nimieh.

And thus our story begins.

Song:
Eh...I'll keep this one to myself since I think I need some improvement in this field.

[Xephia]

A no from me, sorry.

I really didn't like your poem, but I wont talk much about that because I'm terrible at critiquing poetry. Basically, the flow is poor, some lines make no sense, and it didn't really appear to have a topic.

I'll admit that I didn't read all of the story. I had a real struggle getting through the first two paragraphs. Your first paragraph needs to be more interesting. It needs to grab people's attention and make them want to continue reading. It doesn't. Also, some of your sentences are just way to long. There are also a few other bits and pieces that are off with your writing.

if you'd like, post it in the Haven and I'll help you fix it up =]

[sidespin]

Sorry but I think I'm also going to have to go with a no for now.

The poem was kind of confusing in some places and it didn't really have any rhythm.

The story as Xephia stated didn't really grab my interest and there were many run on sentences.

I also don't think I've ever seen you post in The Haven. (Posting criticism, posting your own writing, entering contests and so on)

So, just try to become more active in The Haven and work a little more on your writing.

[Axed]

Going to have to agree with the other two, no, sorry.

Your poem is very choppy and not in a good way. It needs a better flow, and it's something you can easily work on by counting syllables and such. However, I'm no pro at poetry, but I'm sure other Writers will be able to help you.

And sorry, but, your story bored me. Normally I LOVE short stories and such, but this one didn't interest me. Plus the run-on sentences made me impatient for the end of the sentence. The story seems to have some potential, but I think you should take the most important bits and rework the whole thing. It needs a stronger start, and shorter sentences.

Post in the Haven more, get help from myself and the others, and then in the future you'll be ready to apply again. :]

[Hodizzle]

I'm going to have to say no, for the same reasons as above. The poem was very choppy and had little flow.

Honestly, I don't remember a thing from the story intro. I think that the idea is doable (albeit not very original, from what you've written), but the writing itself needs work. Admittedly, some writers can pull off the use of run-on sentences, but not many, and it usually has to be used as a sort of character aspect. The way your sentences ran on lost my attention, and I did little more than skim the story.

[Bunneh]

No from me. Increase your activity in the Haven and show me why you really deserve to be on the Writer's Team. Also, please remember that it's not just about writing; the Writer's Team is basically the new Advertising Team. One of our main goals is to increase the popularity of GG and spread the word. Feel free to try again in two weeks.